Understanding Relational Trauma: 10 Ways to Heal and Recover

Trauma can be a complex and confusing experience, impacting each person differently. Many individuals struggling with relational trauma may recognize the emotional and behavioral effects before identifying the trauma itself.

Trauma, especially relational and attachment trauma, deeply impacts mental health, influencing how we connect with others and perceive ourselves. This guide explains key causes, symptoms, and offers 10 strategies to support healing and enhance emotional well-being.

What is Attachment Trauma or Relational Trauma?

Relational trauma and attachment trauma are two ways of describing harm or emotional injury that occurs in important relationships. Relational trauma can happen with parents, family, caregivers, romantic partners, or close friends. This type of attachment trauma becomes more impactful when it is ongoing or consistently takes place in scenarios where the individual feels powerless to change the situation or cannot leave it. 

Early or repeated relational wounds can deeply impact an individual's ability to manage their emotions, their sense of self, trust in others, and ability to form healthy, secure connections. Understanding relational trauma is crucial because it can shape how individuals navigate their relationships and life experiences as well as feed into many emotional and behavioral challenges. By recognizing and addressing relational trauma, we can lay the groundwork for healing, nurture healthier relationships, and improve overall well-being.

How Relational Trauma Affects Your Mental Health: Key Impacts

Difficulty with Emotional Regulation:

Relational trauma can make it challenging to stay calm and in control of emotions during hard moments. Individuals may find it hard to understand or express how they feel, often suppressing emotions to avoid conflict or discomfort. This can lead to intense swings between emotional overwhelm and/or numbness. Over time, this can contribute to chronic anxiety, depression, or emotional outbursts.

Chronic Self-Abandonment:

Individuals impacted by relational trauma often prioritize the needs of others over their own, neglecting their own emotional and physical well-being. This pattern of self-abandonment can lead to feelings of worthlessness and resentment, as personal boundaries are consistently overlooked. Without addressing this pattern, it can be difficult to develop a strong sense of self, take care of one’s own needs, and experience ease in relationships.

Constant Hypervigilance:

Relational trauma can trigger a persistent state of hypervigilance, where individuals are always on guard, expecting potential danger, rejection, or conflict in relationships. This heightened sense of alertness can result in anxiety, physical tension, and exhaustion. Over time, hypervigilance can severely affect ‘ ability to relax and feel safe, even in non-threatening environments.

Emotional Disconnection:
Trauma in relationships often causes a disconnection from emotions, leaving some feeling numb or detached. They may have difficulty understanding or processing their feelings, leading to a sense of disconnection from others as well. This emotional disconnection can contribute to isolation and difficulty forming meaningful relationships.

Distorted Self-Worth and Perception of Others:
Relational trauma can cause individuals to view themselves through a lens of low self-esteem, often feeling unworthy of love or respect. Their perception of others may also become skewed, leading to mistrust or fear in forming new relationships. These distortions can perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in both personal and professional settings.

Persistent Relational Struggles:
Long-lasting trauma can affect one’s ability to form secure, healthy relationships, often leading to recurring issues like fear of intimacy or avoidance of conflict. They may find themselves repeating toxic relationship patterns, struggling with communication, or feeling distant in close connections. Without addressing these relational struggles, it can be difficult to maintain fulfilling and supportive relationships.

Key Causes of Complex Relational Trauma Include: 

Complex Family Dynamics 

Complex family dynamics, such as regular unaddressed tension, ongoing conflict, dismissal of emotions, and strained communication can lead to relational trauma by creating a lack of trust and emotional safety in the home environment. In families where it does not feel safe to express authentic feelings or opinions, children may develop insecure attachments and struggle to feel valued or understood. Over time, if a person internalizes these early patterns of instability and disconnection, the result is a persistent difficulty in forming healthy relationships and managing emotions.

Emotionally unavailable parents and neglect 

Children look to their parents for validation of their experience and to meet their emotional needs, such as offering comfort when they are scared or showing excitement when they are happy. This consistent attunement helps children feel secure and valued, as well as helping them trust their perception of themselves and the world around them. They also rely on their parents to provide for their physical needs which are essential to their survival. 

Inconsistent caregiving, where a caregiver is sometimes nurturing and at other times neglectful, unable to understand them, or invalidating, can cause confusion and insecurity in a child. Even when caregivers deeply love their children, factors like substance abuse, their own mental health issues, being pulled outside the home by work or other responsibilities can all contribute to inconsistency. A lack of this consistent emotional connection can lead to feelings of worthlessness or self-doubt, as children may internalize the unavailability as a reflection of their own inadequacy.

No Boundaries 

Enmeshment, where personal boundaries are blurred or non-existent, can lead to individuals feeling overly responsible for others’ emotions and unable to develop their own identity. A lack of boundaries can leave children feeling responsible for their parent’s happiness and wellbeing. This can lead to them molding themselves to what their parents want to see. In relationships with no boundaries, individuals may struggle to assert their needs, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed, dependent on others for validation, and unable to say “no.” Over time, this lack of separation and autonomy can cause deep emotional wounds, making it difficult to establish healthy relationships and contributing to long-term relational trauma.

Betrayal of Trust 

Betrayal of trust within significant relationships, especially in early life, can cause relational trauma by shattering a person's sense of safety and security. When trust is broken, individuals may struggle with feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and deep emotional wounds, which can lead to difficulties in forming secure, trusting relationships later in life. This breach of trust can result in long-lasting patterns of fear, hypervigilance, and emotional withdrawal, characteristic of relational trauma.

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence causes relational trauma by creating an environment of fear, instability, and emotional and phsyical harm within an intimate or familial relationship. The victim's trust and sense of safety are repeatedly violated, leading to long-term emotional wounds, such as anxiety, depression, distorting a person's self-worth and ability to connect with others, often resulting in feelings of isolation, hypervigilance, and emotional disconnection.

10 Effective Ways to Move Through and Heal Relational Trauma

• Seek Support from a Trauma-Informed Therapist
  Working with a therapist skilled in trauma care offers a safe space to explore and heal relational wounds. Specialized approaches like NARM or EMDR can support deeper healing and coping skills.

• Build Mindful Awareness to Stay Grounded
  Practicing mindfulness, such as breathwork or meditation, helps manage emotions and reduces trauma-related stress. Connecting to one’s own experience and being present promotes calm and resilience during challenging moments.

• Reestablish and Strengthen Personal Boundaries
  Setting clear boundaries is crucial for emotional safety and self-respect. Learning to assert needs empowers you to build secure and healthy relationships.

• Develop Effective Coping Strategies
  Experimenting with methods to help regulate your emotions, like grounding exercises and physical activity, enhance resilience and reduce trauma triggers. Practicing these techniques improves emotional stability over time.

• Uncover the Roots of Shame and Self-Criticism
  Exploring the origins of shame can help reframe negative self-perceptions. Therapy offers tools to transform self-criticism into compassion, fostering growth and healing.

• Use Somatic Practices to Reconnect with Emotions
  The nervous system is deeply connected to our emotional experience and trauma is stored in the body. Reconnecting with physical sensations supports emotional processing and recovery.

• Identify and Transform Relational Patterns
  Therapy helps identify and shift harmful relational patterns, like avoidance or people-pleasing. Creating healthier dynamics leads to more fulfilling connections.

• Cultivate Curiosity and Acceptance
  Practicing curiosity reduces self-criticism and promotes healing. Techniques like affirmations and journaling help build a supportive relationship with yourself.

• Integrate Healthier Patterns for Lasting Change
  Replacing old habits with healthier behaviors, like assertiveness or open communication, fosters lasting transformation and emotional growth.

• Engage with Support Networks
  Building supportive connections helps counter isolation and fosters healing. Trusted groups or communities offer validation and encouragement in your recovery journey.

Many individuals relate more to the symptoms and effects of relational trauma than to identifying that they’ve experienced trauma itself. Recognizing the impact of relational trauma is a vital first step in trauma healing and mental health recovery. With the help of supportive therapy, individuals can work through these challenges, heal from their trauma, and foster healthier, more rewarding relationships. Connecting with a trauma therapist is one of the first steps to unpacking your trauma.